[Kat] And that's ten points for "theatre."
Please note I used the British spelling, not the bastardized American version.
Why must we always ruin everything?
I think I'll get my nipples pierced in protest.
[laughing]
Or maybe a sexy back tattoo.
Dad, I'm dropping out of school to become an adult film star.
That's nice, honey.
[watch beeps]
- She's late for curfew! - Release the hounds!
Think that's funny?
- Hounds are on my to-do list. - Dad, relax.
She's at a soccer game.
The odds of her being kidnapped and sold into slavery are very slim.
Thanks for bringing that up. I was worried she was in a car accident.
- Sorry. - But she's my little flower.
If she's your little flower, what am l?
You're my big, tough cactus.
Green, spiny and phallic. That's great, Dad.
What I mean is someone messes with you, you stab them.
Plus, cactuses are never out late on a school night trying to pollinate.
Our correct name is cacti.
Thank God you're home safe so I can kill you.
Daddy, before you say anything,
I would've been on time tonight, but I had to save a life tonight.
What happened?
After the game, we grabbed something to eat
and this guy started choking and I had to shove my eyelash curler
down his throat in order to save his life.
Way to go, MacGruber.
Daddy, maybe one day I'll become a doctor
so I can save lives, like you, everyday.
That's sweet.
Now, blow into this.
[beeping]
- See? All clear. - Well, late is late.
We'll see how long you're grounded when your test results get back.
Kat, go with your sister. I need you to make sure...
It's her urine. I know the drill.
[Bianca] This family is so twisted.
[theme music plays]
- I need to show you something. - Careful.
- That's borderline sexual harassment. - Borderline?
Clearly, I'm not working hard enough.
- Same shirts. - Wow. Two things that match.
- Pretty soon you'll be reading! - So you know about their show tonight?
Of course.
That's strange. Typically, pretty girls are very good liars.
Here. The club
is called Live Bait.
Of course, you'll need a fake lD.
And you...
...need some manners.
[Bianca] I'm grounded for the entire weekend.
- Apparently, I'm "irresponsible." - Can you leave the house at all?
Because I was thinking
you and I could go for frozen...
It's so not fair!
Compared to my sister, Mother Teresa would look shady.
[girl] Hey, Bianca, I heard you got busted for staying out late last night.
Avery, check your sources.
My dad is stoned 24/7. He doesn't care when I come home.
So I'll see you at the swim team party tonight?
I'm all over it like mustard.
I didn't know your dad was a pothead.
He's not. He's strict. But strict parents are so 2004.
That means we've got a secret!
- It also means I'm screwed. - Don't worry, I'll never tell.
Not unless they tickle me.
No, Cameron. I'm screwed because I didn't know about that party.
No biggie. Happens to me all the time.
Exactly.
Cameron, allow me to tutor you in the language of popularity.
- OK. - Rule number one: information is power.
Think of it as a pyramid.
At the top are those invited to the party.
Below them are uninvited people who want to come
but don't know where the party is.
And below them, at the very bottom,
Iive those who don't even know the party exists.
AKA, the blissfully irrelevant.
AKA me.
Not anymore!
You just became relevant because we are going to that party.
We... Iike the sound of that.
But first, we need you to find out where that party is.
- Why don't you just ask Avery? - If I ask someone where the party is,
then they'll know I'm at your social level and I just can't risk that.
- Sorry. - Popularity is a brutal language.
And they don't even make a Rosetta Stone for it.
But don't worry. I'm a good teacher.
[# Girls Love Shoes: Insecurity]
Tap and zip, fellas, ladies in the house.
There's nobody in here.
You're supposed to wait in that stall. I'll guard the door.
[Kat] Oh, gross!
They do know they're supposed to pee in the bowl?
- So who is this guy again? - No one knows.
He's called the Wizard and he just knows how to get stuff.
I heard that last year he got some band geek a new kidney.
- I have a hard time believing... - [boy] OK. What do you want?
A fake lD.
[boy] Sixty bucks and a photo.
He's like Criss Angel.
Dude, did you see Kelly Morris out there?
I can't look at her without stretching my Speedo.
I guess you're not coming skinny dipping tonight at my party.
Oh, dude. Could you turn off the pool heater?
Shrinkage could save me.
Come on, Aquaman.
What's your name?
Chip Patterson.
I just wanted to see who makes these.
Yeah, I was thinking about getting one.
[gasps]
Bianca!
- I know where the party is. - Ah!
- Where is it? - It's at Chip Patterson's house.
I hacked into the school's student database and found his address.
Like 24,
- Terrorists bad. - I know!
So I thought maybe we could grab dinner before...?
I have to get out of being grounded, which means convincing my father
that I am trustworthy, dependable and unlikely to have sex.
So much harder than stopping terrorists.
OK, you can peek.
- Bianca, this looks amazing! - Shouldn't we say grace?
We haven't since you stopped using your Pocahontas fork.
Let us pray.
Thank you, Lord, for this bountiful harvest.
And bless the underprivileged
and teenage children in new high schools.
- Amen. - OK, Bianca, what gives?
Kat, please. OK, Bianca, what gives?
Well, Daddy, I've been thinking about my faith a lot recently.
Ever since I met this great group of kids at school.
They invited me to this killer Bible study tonight.
Can I go?
And the Oscar goes to...
...Bianca Stratford for Lying to Her Father,
Zip it, Satan.
Dad, I'd really hate to miss it.
I think tonight I get my purity ring.
I think tonight you'll be home with the Purity Security.
Is it OK if I go out? There's a foreign film festival I want to check out.
- I don't see why not. - That's it?
When I go out, I have to file flight plans with the FAA,
but she goes out no questions asked?
- Gonna drink? - No.
- Drugs? - Nope.
- Sex? - Gross.
Satisfied?
You know what, Dad?
I gave up everything I worked so hard for back in Ohio.
Last year, I had 42 pictures in the yearbook,
as a freshman, thank you very much!
I'll put pictures of you in the yearbook.
That's not the point! The point is...
...I'm worried that no matter how hard I try,
I'm never gonna be as happy here as I was back home.
What do you really have going on tonight?
A party. Plain and simple.
I'll be home by curfew and I'll volunteer for a full battery of tests.
- I promise. - OK, you can go.
- Really? - Really?
Sure. Your sister'll take you.
- No! - But, Dad! Kat, please.
Do this one thing for me.
I have plans and they don't involve carpooling.
- Why can't you be on my side for once? - Calm down.
I'll take you to the party and I'll wait for you in the car outside.
Sure, Dad, and why don't you just carry me in a BabyBjorn. Forget it!
Ooh! So dramatic.
[Kat] I know you don't think I'm on your side, but I am.
I mean, we're sisters. I kind of have to love you.
But tonight is the first time since we've been here that I'm...
...genuinely excited to go out.
I promise, your next
can't-miss-or-I'll-die-a-social-leper party, not only will I drive you,
I'll do it without mocking.
[laughs] Come on. That was funny.
Come on.
Of course.
This is why we're not closer.
Are you ready for our first swim team party?
Actually, I was thinking this could be considered our first...
Twenty four dollars.
Plus tip.
I'll get that.
I forgot my wallet.
For your sake, I hope your girlfriend has cash.
Do you have any...? Wait. You thought she could be my girlfriend?
Sorry, Cameron. I'm lucky I got out of the house with lip gloss.
What size shoes are those?
This is exciting.
First time always is for a party virgin.
Not for long. Take me.
But please be gentle.
- First ones here. - Oh, crap.
It's been so long since I've been popular, I forgot about the decoy house.
A decoy house?
Like Operation Fortitude, where fake Sherman tanks
were used to lure the Germans into believing the invasion of France
- wouldn't take place in Normandy? - Yeah, sure.
That's genius.
All that hard work for nothing. What a stupid, amateur mistake.
Don't beat yourself up.
We have to leave before someone sees me here.
- Sees us. - No, me.
It's good for you to be seen here.
Popularity's confusing, but you'll pick it up.
We need a ride.
My mom is at her angry divorcee meeting tonight.
Can you call your sister?
It's a nice night. Let's walk.
[Cameron] Ow! Ow!
[indistinct chatter]
[# The Filthy Souls: Tom Cat]
OK, hey. No need to get...
[Kat] Hey.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were some other guy.
I'm not saying that you are a guy.
You could be a butch lesbian
or a... transgender male.
Whatever you are, I celebrate you.
Looking for me?
Yes. If you're the ladies' room.
Admit it. You're excited to see me.
Don't flatter yourself.
I came for the band. I know every song by heart.
Of course you do.
You know, I'm sure to you their songs are just a groovy soundtrack
for banging chicks, but their lyrics are poetry.
"l know where I am, it's scrolled high on the hill
as we're racing through canyons of angels."
Wow.
Next time I'm banging chicks, I'll have to pay more attention.
Ow! Uh!
I think I stepped on a syringe.
It's just a bottle cap. It didn't even break the skin.
Let's keep moving.
- Please don't make me. - We have no other options.
Again... Ow! You could call your sister.
So she can pick us up on her high horse?
No, thanks. She'd probably turn me in.
And there would be mocking.
- She may surprise you. - You don't know her.
Well, I could meet her if she picks us up.
Oh, no, it's dead.
Oh, well.
[# The Filthy Souls: California Save Me]
- Here's your chance. - Ooh, goody.
Come on.
You want me to kiss you.
The lead singer, yes. You, not so much.
You sure about that?
I'm just standing here. You're the one moving closer.
[cell phone rings]
I've gotta take this.
Maybe those lines will work on someone else.
- You'd better be bleeding. - [Bianca] I need you to pick me up,
I snuck out with my friend Cameron, who has ridiculously sensitive feet.
- I can't. I'm at a film festival. - Look,,,
If you do this, I'll erase all Kate Hudson movies from our Netflix queue.
Yes! I'm so serious.
Where do you want me to meet you?
So you snuck out of the house to go to a party but you had the wrong address.
- How does humiliation taste? - Like your stupid soy burgers.
Now, save the commentary and just drive us home.
- My name's Cameron... - If Dad finds out about this,
you are gonna spend high school in a plastic bubble.
So I snuck out of the house! It's common behavior for a human teenager,
which you would know if you were one.
- One what? A human or a teenager? - Both!
If we're gonna sit, can you crack a window? I get carsick.
Next time you want me to come pick you up,
remind me how rewarding this is.
Isn't it rewarding enough being Little Miss Perfect?
First, I am not perfect.
Second, you know how much I hate children's beauty pageants.
I am so sick of this. I can't wait until I can just drive.
- Drive? - Speaking of driving...
Dad will never give you a car. Maybe you can roll around in that bubble.
What's this?
Over 21 is the name of the movie I went and saw tonight.
Very European. Lots of full-frontal nudity.
They stamped the name of the movie on your hand? Weird.
- Shut it, back there. - I'm not stupid.
You went to a club. Which means you have a fake lD.
No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop. Get out of there!
I'm not sure what amazes me more.
The fact that you lied to Dad or that this lD is so good.
- OK, you didn't see this. - Oh, but I did.
Dad better get you your own plastic bubble because you're not sharing mine.
Fine.
I won't tell Dad that you snuck out if you don't tell him about this.
Deal.
[Cameron] I'm gonna... Oh!
[Kat] Oh...
I'm sorry.
OK. I'll keep Dad occupied while you sneak back into your room.
- But be quiet. - This ain't my first time at the rodeo.
Hairspray? What does that do?
- The alcohol breaks down the ink. - lmpressive.
- What does that do? - Nothing, I just wanted to spit on you.
OK, tender moment over.
[radio chatter]
Hey, Dad! Boy, that movie was long!
Europeans should learn how to edit.
- What are you doing? - Listening to my police radio.
Your sister snuck out and isn't answering her phone.
She hasn't been raped or murdered.
German shepherd saved a baby. These are amazing.
Are you sure she isn't here?
Maybe we should check again in about two minutes.
I locked her window.
The only way she's coming home is through that front door.
- Dad. - Huh?
Relax, I'm sure that she is fine.
He knows.
[father] Why does she keep putting me through this?
When she comes back, we're having an exorcism.
[chimes jingle]
Bianca! There she is.
Safe and sound.
[beeping]
You're lucky. Your trial's at 7am.
Don't move. I need to get more specimen cups.
Dad knew you snuck out. There was nothing I could do.
So we both screw up, and I'm the only one that gets screwed? I don't think so.
- There's something you should know. - Not in the mood for excuses.
You need to learn to be responsible like your sister.
You mean, my older sister? The one I'm supposed to look up to and emulate?
The trustworthy daughter?
Would you like to know what Little Miss Perfect did tonight?
She...
She went to a...
...movie that featured full-frontal nudity.
Still not the same as deceiving you father.
Fine. Give me the cup.
Don't worry, I closed my eyes.
What am I gonna do about her?
How about cut her some slack?
I wouldn't drive her, so she snuck out.
- She wanted to have some fun. - Yeah, but you don't want to have fun.
I have fun sometimes.
Sure, but you go to film festivals and things like that.
- Not always. - I'm just saying
that's why you're my trusty, dependable cactus.
What?
This is my fake lD.
I went and saw a band play at a seedy club tonight.
Plus, I went alone. Horrific things could have happened to me.
- Why are you showing me this? - Because I don't want to be a cactus!
[door opens, closes]
Your trial's at 7::1 5.
When I get through with you, you're gonna wish you got the death penalty.
- Bianca? - Yes?
Make sure it's your sister's urine. Good night, all.
Good night, Dad.
[# Above Envy: Revolution]
I showed Dad my fake lD. Are we even now?
Not until you get me one.